Sorry for the lack of updates. I'm in withdrawl mode. I don't know what's gotten into me, but I haven't left the house in a few weeks. And it had been a few weeks until I left the house last time. I've been pushing people offline away. I just don't want to deal with them I suppose. It's better to make someone mad and hate you than to put effort into a relationship and have them hate you anyway. At least in my twisted mind. I haven't made doctor's appointments, which is probably part of the problem. I actually sucked it up this week and did a phone appointment with my psychologist. He gave me a new treatment plan - go see a movie every day. If only it didn't cost money. At least that got a laugh out of me.
It's odd. I would rather sit on my ass in front of my laptop and converse with my friends online than actually go out. I think a part of it is that the one friend I usually do see has a boyfriend that I can't stand. And her son gets to me. They both act like total assholes and disrespect her constantly. Not to mention there's a fight every time I'm there and her boyfriend hits on anything that moves. I suppose the drama keeps me away. My other friends and my sister all have a lot of responsibilities that make it hard for them to get together much. Plus, I'd rather sleep all day then spend it trying to think of things to banter about.
So my goals this week? Go to the movies with my sister tomorrow night. Go to my doctor's office (and schedule that appt. tomorrow.) And try to do one thing I didn't do the day before. It's a good plan for the short term I suppose.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Binghamton Killings
I haven't written in a while and I apologize. Things have been...well...for lack of better terms, depressing. As you may have heard, my hometown - Binghamton, NY - was hit with a horrible tragedy yesterday. A gunman walked into the American Civic Association downtown and gunned down many people. 13 were killed, and more were injured. He then took his own life.
To put it mildly, I am in shock. This has never happened here before. It was definitely pre-meditated, being that he pulled a car up against the back entrance, making sure that no one could escape without going through him. If it weren't for one of the receptionists (the other was killed) playing dead, then calling 911 when he left for another room, who knows how much worse it could have been. It was hard. My mother was in hysterics, being that she has dealt with the people that work there through her job. I can't imagine the pain the families and friends are going through.
I've lived in Binghamton my entire life. I remember being a kid, and being able to run through the neighborhood with no worry. Whichever parent was closest would watch over us, feed us and do it willingly. Only once do I remember knowing of a crime. There was a man that had killed a cab driver. It shook the city then, much as this has shaken the city now. It's amazing the downturn that I have seen in my 30 years of living here. Crime has gone up. Companies that provided great jobs for the people in our area have moved. Young adults no longer stay after graduation. It's as if I've watched the place I love start circling the drain.
Now our community is left to deal with this horrible tragedy, perhaps never truly knowing why. The American Civic Center is a wonderful charity. People there are willing to give those coming to our area help becoming American citizens and members of our community. I can't imagine how it feels to one second be so excited at the prospect of becoming a part of our wonderful nation, then be afraid that your life is over in the next. Why? Why did he do this in the first place, and why at a place that provides wonderful support for immigrants such as himself?
He truly is a coward. He walked in there with the intention of killing people, and rather than facing the consequences for that, he made sure he would not be around to have to answer for his actions. Did he tell anyone why? Were there signs that he would go this far? I feel as if I need the answers. I think the people in that building yesterday and their loved ones deserve them.
The selfish part of me is thinking what this is going to do to me - being that I am so sensitive to things like this. I'm afraid to leave my house at the moment. I don't want to go down Front Street. I don't want to be reminded that people have been killed there. Most of all, I don't want to have the confirmation that my hometown has become what it has. I'm losing faith in humans. Not only here, but anywhere. When did our society become so violent, so...wrong? Can we fix it? Have I lost all hope that we can turn this around?
I guess a part of me is still in shock. I don't want to think about it. I'm tired. I want to sleep until people have forgotten about this and we return to a somewhat normal way of life. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way. I shouldn't be so jaded, but I can't help but be. No one has been able to tell me that things will get better and truly know they will. I am still looked at as lazy - as if my disability is all in my mind (which it is, but not the way people think.) I'm still utterly alone - which is mainly my own doing. I've pushed everyone away, so that they won't hurt the way I do. Yet there's still the side of me that can relate with the coward that committed this crime. That's what scares me the most.
I know what it's like to feel hopeless. I know what it's like to be angry at the world. I'd be lying to say that I've never thought of hurting all the people that have hurt me in my lifetime, then taking my own life. I'd like to think I'm not capable of it. I don't think I am - the guilt alone for thinking these things is almost too much to bear. But the thoughts are there, none the less. Is that normal? Does everyone feel so bitter toward people that have wronged them? I don't know. All I know is I make myself sick sometimes.
I want to curl up under the covers and sleep this through. At least my mind stops when I'm asleep. The constant barrage of thoughts goes away for that fleeting moment. It's the only time I'm truly at peace. I've never been able to just not think. I would go through the routine of relaxation drills before basketball games, but no matter how hard I tried to just let the tension go, it stayed. My body and mind are constantly on alert. It's as if that's all my mind is programmed for - fight or flight. I've tried hypnosis with my doctor. It didn't work. I've tried the breathing drills. I've tried to let the thoughts pass...just acknowledge them then move on. I can at least do that, but there are so many thoughts they're replaced with, it's just as tiring to try than to not.
I've been told you can't think of 2 things at the same time. I'm not sure I believe that. My mind is constantly going in circles. If it's true, and there aren't two thoughts there at the same time, then they're in such rapid succession that it has me fooled to think otherwise. It's tiring. It takes all of me to just fight the battle inside my mind most days, let alone to go out into the world and deal with the rest of the worries that brings. So now; being that I don't even feel safe in the city I know best; how do I put on a brave face and face the world?
The one I can't forget is my pain it seems. I only hope the song is true. I'll keep listening, and praying it is.
To put it mildly, I am in shock. This has never happened here before. It was definitely pre-meditated, being that he pulled a car up against the back entrance, making sure that no one could escape without going through him. If it weren't for one of the receptionists (the other was killed) playing dead, then calling 911 when he left for another room, who knows how much worse it could have been. It was hard. My mother was in hysterics, being that she has dealt with the people that work there through her job. I can't imagine the pain the families and friends are going through.
I've lived in Binghamton my entire life. I remember being a kid, and being able to run through the neighborhood with no worry. Whichever parent was closest would watch over us, feed us and do it willingly. Only once do I remember knowing of a crime. There was a man that had killed a cab driver. It shook the city then, much as this has shaken the city now. It's amazing the downturn that I have seen in my 30 years of living here. Crime has gone up. Companies that provided great jobs for the people in our area have moved. Young adults no longer stay after graduation. It's as if I've watched the place I love start circling the drain.
Now our community is left to deal with this horrible tragedy, perhaps never truly knowing why. The American Civic Center is a wonderful charity. People there are willing to give those coming to our area help becoming American citizens and members of our community. I can't imagine how it feels to one second be so excited at the prospect of becoming a part of our wonderful nation, then be afraid that your life is over in the next. Why? Why did he do this in the first place, and why at a place that provides wonderful support for immigrants such as himself?
He truly is a coward. He walked in there with the intention of killing people, and rather than facing the consequences for that, he made sure he would not be around to have to answer for his actions. Did he tell anyone why? Were there signs that he would go this far? I feel as if I need the answers. I think the people in that building yesterday and their loved ones deserve them.
The selfish part of me is thinking what this is going to do to me - being that I am so sensitive to things like this. I'm afraid to leave my house at the moment. I don't want to go down Front Street. I don't want to be reminded that people have been killed there. Most of all, I don't want to have the confirmation that my hometown has become what it has. I'm losing faith in humans. Not only here, but anywhere. When did our society become so violent, so...wrong? Can we fix it? Have I lost all hope that we can turn this around?
I guess a part of me is still in shock. I don't want to think about it. I'm tired. I want to sleep until people have forgotten about this and we return to a somewhat normal way of life. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way. I shouldn't be so jaded, but I can't help but be. No one has been able to tell me that things will get better and truly know they will. I am still looked at as lazy - as if my disability is all in my mind (which it is, but not the way people think.) I'm still utterly alone - which is mainly my own doing. I've pushed everyone away, so that they won't hurt the way I do. Yet there's still the side of me that can relate with the coward that committed this crime. That's what scares me the most.
I know what it's like to feel hopeless. I know what it's like to be angry at the world. I'd be lying to say that I've never thought of hurting all the people that have hurt me in my lifetime, then taking my own life. I'd like to think I'm not capable of it. I don't think I am - the guilt alone for thinking these things is almost too much to bear. But the thoughts are there, none the less. Is that normal? Does everyone feel so bitter toward people that have wronged them? I don't know. All I know is I make myself sick sometimes.
I want to curl up under the covers and sleep this through. At least my mind stops when I'm asleep. The constant barrage of thoughts goes away for that fleeting moment. It's the only time I'm truly at peace. I've never been able to just not think. I would go through the routine of relaxation drills before basketball games, but no matter how hard I tried to just let the tension go, it stayed. My body and mind are constantly on alert. It's as if that's all my mind is programmed for - fight or flight. I've tried hypnosis with my doctor. It didn't work. I've tried the breathing drills. I've tried to let the thoughts pass...just acknowledge them then move on. I can at least do that, but there are so many thoughts they're replaced with, it's just as tiring to try than to not.
I've been told you can't think of 2 things at the same time. I'm not sure I believe that. My mind is constantly going in circles. If it's true, and there aren't two thoughts there at the same time, then they're in such rapid succession that it has me fooled to think otherwise. It's tiring. It takes all of me to just fight the battle inside my mind most days, let alone to go out into the world and deal with the rest of the worries that brings. So now; being that I don't even feel safe in the city I know best; how do I put on a brave face and face the world?
It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through
Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All that I know is I'm gonna be ok
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I'll believe in
And I know time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be ok
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do)
It'll all get better in timeLeona Lewis - Better in Time
The one I can't forget is my pain it seems. I only hope the song is true. I'll keep listening, and praying it is.
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