Carve Your Heart Out Yourself

Carve your heart out yourself. Hopelessness is your cell. Since you've drawn out these lines, are you protected from trying times? Man, it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has. Lord, it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all. Oh look now, there you go with hope again. Oh you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end.

Dig your ditch deep enough to keep you clear of the sun. You've been burned more than once. You don't think much of trust. Man, it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has. Lord, it takes a lonely one to wish she had never dreamt at all. Oh Look now, there you go with hope again, but I'll be sure your secrets safe with me. Oh you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end. Treating me like I'm already gone, but I'm not, I will stay where you are always.

Dashboard Confessional - Carve Your Heart Out Yourself

I don't know what's going on with me lately. I've been having panic attacks a lot more often lately, and wasn't able to sleep for almost 2 full days. This usually happens when my depression gets out of control, but it doesn't make me feel any better about it. I've started to fall into the routine I usually do when I take a downturn. I sleep during the day and spend the night on the computer. I don't want any human interaction other than through instant messages or the like. How do you stop yourself from falling down that huge hole you just just inched out of with the tips of your nails? Honestly...I wouldn't wish this shit on my worst enemy. It's hard...it's confusing...and of course it hurts...I think that's pretty much assumed from the beginning.

Something tonight got me thinking. Why does it bother me so much when people either call me crazy or imply something of the sort? I know it shouldn't bother me - God knows I've been called it enough - but it does. I think it's because I try so hard to keep myself from being "crazy" that if someone says I am it's like taking a bullet. I've spent the past 10 years fighting for my sanity...for someone to tell me I don't have it is devastating. Mostly I think it's because it angers me that there still is that stigma on mental illness. Even if whoever said it was joking, it offends me to no end...you are not crazy if you have a mental illness. Are cancer patients whining babies? No.

I used to frequent a Christian chat room for a while. I would go in there to debate and hear other people's views, etc. I remember once when I went in very depressed. I started talking to some in the chat about my illness, how I felt and such. I was asked if I was saved. I explained my views and that yes, I was saved. Someone in the room started telling me that it was not possible for me to be saved. He argued that since I did not have complete rationality in my mind, it was not possible for myself to be forgiven and that anyone else with a mental illness was in the same boat. I can't even begin to explain how much it hurts to see people that are so clueless as to what it's like for someone like me. I feel like I might be playing "woe is me" a lot of the time, but am I? I have to fight to get out of bed every morning. I can't describe what it's like. Most days it takes ALL my energy to just rationalize every thought that runs through my head. Forget anything else...I'm too damn tired. It's not like I don't want to get out of bed and go to work...it's almost physically impossible.

I'm rambling...I apologize. Sometimes I wonder if this blog really was a good idea. I just sit here and type about all this bullshit, but wonder if I should rather be doing something else. I always wonder if I could try harder than I do. I don't think I could...but that doubt plagues me. Am I just wallowing? I wish SOMEONE had the answer to that. But if they did, would I believe it? Am I too far gone in feeling sorry for myself to think that there is hope? I don't know...I guess only time will tell, right?

Feelin' Like a Sunday but Someday I'll Be Saturday Night

I went to the bridal shop with my sister yesterday (well, technically 2 days ago now since it's past 12.) We had a girl's night planned. We would look at bridesmaid dresses (she already has her gown) and then go see He's Just Not That Into You. It was myself, my sister, our mother, her future mother-in-law and future sister-in-law. They were having a 20% sale on the designer that I LOVE (Alfred Angelo.) I had a dress in mind when we went. My sister wanted me to be the only bridesmaid to wear white since I am the made of honor. I thought I had found the perfect dress and was set on it. (The image to the left is that dress, in the color that my sister wants for the bridesmaids.)


I left having bought a different dress. (The dress to the right, but of course the blue will be green.) The sister-in-law got a white sash, so my sister wanted me to wear more white so I would stand out more. I found the dress before she had told me that, but it was perfect for what she wanted, and I think it will look good on me (or at least I hope.) Miss (my sister - we've called her Missy since her birth) insisted that I get the dress hemmed to a shorter skirt because she "would be pissed if I didn't show off my chicken legs." What the bride wants, the bride gets. Plus, the wedding is in August, (of 2010 - we're ahead of schedule) so a shorter skirt would be more comfortable.

We went to the Olive Garden after the bridal shop and had some dinner. (side note - I absolutely LOVE their salad and bread sticks!) And wound up being too tired for a 9:50 showing of the movie. I was a little bummed out, being that I love going to the movies - I would be a happy woman if I could find a career in that! But all in all, it was a great night.

The downfall? Well, all the wedding preparations have me wondering if it will ever be my turn. I am damaged goods, after all. Will I ever find a guy that can put up with that? Another thing that I think of through all this - my sister is going to (most likely) have my father walk her down the aisle. Will I if it ever happens for me? My father is getting older - he was 44 when I was born - and he has scared us a few times. He was recently diagnosed with the beginnings of dementia. While I know that the medication they've put him on will slow the process, I can't help but wonder how much longer I'll have my dad here. I was devastated when they first told us he had dementia. I have worked in the Alzheimer's unit of a local nursing home, and I've seen what happens. All I could think of was watching my dad become one of them. I don't know if I could handle it. My father has always been the one I am closest to. I'm a daddy's girl without any doubt. Losing him would be... I don't know if there are any words to describe it. Sometimes I hope that by some odd chance, all my loved ones will outlive me. I'm not good with loss - at all. I'm still reeling over my grandmother's death - that was over 2 years ago.

What is it that makes me so sensitive to all this? Is this just some odd way my brain works too? I've been told by MANY people in the past that I need to develop a thick skin. I've tried - I'm a lot better off than I was 10 years ago - but when I get to the point where I'm walking through life without caring, I feel like a total schmuck. I've always had trouble with balance. I tend to go from one extreme to the other, never finding the middle-ground. I'm either all-in or not in at all. I wonder why that is. I've spent years trying to find a middle ground, but it seems out of reach. I don't know why or how this is so hard for me, but it is. It's as if my life is painted in black and white and there's no gray to highlight or shade.

With all I've learned in therapy, I haven't learned the most important thing - how to apply it. Sure, I've learned to rationalize my thinking and how to breathe myself out of a panic attack, but how do you learn to change your whole way of living/thinking? I would love to be able to say I love myself. Don't get me wrong - I do to a point - but I can't take that giant leap to say that I love everything about myself.

I have no idea what I'm saying anymore. I suppose it's time to stop.