I went to the bridal shop with my sister yesterday (well, technically 2 days ago now since it's past 12.) We had a girl's night planned. We would look at bridesmaid dresses (she already has her gown) and then go see He's Just Not That Into You. It was myself, my sister, our mother, her future mother-in-law and future sister-in-law. They were having a 20% sale on the designer that I LOVE (Alfred Angelo.) I had a dress in mind when we went. My sister wanted me to be the only bridesmaid to wear white since I am the made of honor. I thought I had found the perfect dress and was set on it. (The image to the left is that dress, in the color that my sister wants for the bridesmaids.)
I left having bought a different dress. (The dress to the right, but of course the blue will be green.) The sister-in-law got a white sash, so my sister wanted me to wear more white so I would stand out more. I found the dress before she had told me that, but it was perfect for what she wanted, and I think it will look good on me (or at least I hope.) Miss (my sister - we've called her Missy since her birth) insisted that I get the dress hemmed to a shorter skirt because she "would be pissed if I didn't show off my chicken legs." What the bride wants, the bride gets. Plus, the wedding is in August, (of 2010 - we're ahead of schedule) so a shorter skirt would be more comfortable.
We went to the Olive Garden after the bridal shop and had some dinner. (side note - I absolutely LOVE their salad and bread sticks!) And wound up being too tired for a 9:50 showing of the movie. I was a little bummed out, being that I love going to the movies - I would be a happy woman if I could find a career in that! But all in all, it was a great night.
The downfall? Well, all the wedding preparations have me wondering if it will ever be my turn. I am damaged goods, after all. Will I ever find a guy that can put up with that? Another thing that I think of through all this - my sister is going to (most likely) have my father walk her down the aisle. Will I if it ever happens for me? My father is getting older - he was 44 when I was born - and he has scared us a few times. He was recently diagnosed with the beginnings of dementia. While I know that the medication they've put him on will slow the process, I can't help but wonder how much longer I'll have my dad here. I was devastated when they first told us he had dementia. I have worked in the Alzheimer's unit of a local nursing home, and I've seen what happens. All I could think of was watching my dad become one of them. I don't know if I could handle it. My father has always been the one I am closest to. I'm a daddy's girl without any doubt. Losing him would be... I don't know if there are any words to describe it. Sometimes I hope that by some odd chance, all my loved ones will outlive me. I'm not good with loss - at all. I'm still reeling over my grandmother's death - that was over 2 years ago.
What is it that makes me so sensitive to all this? Is this just some odd way my brain works too? I've been told by MANY people in the past that I need to develop a thick skin. I've tried - I'm a lot better off than I was 10 years ago - but when I get to the point where I'm walking through life without caring, I feel like a total schmuck. I've always had trouble with balance. I tend to go from one extreme to the other, never finding the middle-ground. I'm either all-in or not in at all. I wonder why that is. I've spent years trying to find a middle ground, but it seems out of reach. I don't know why or how this is so hard for me, but it is. It's as if my life is painted in black and white and there's no gray to highlight or shade.
With all I've learned in therapy, I haven't learned the most important thing - how to apply it. Sure, I've learned to rationalize my thinking and how to breathe myself out of a panic attack, but how do you learn to change your whole way of living/thinking? I would love to be able to say I love myself. Don't get me wrong - I do to a point - but I can't take that giant leap to say that I love everything about myself.
I have no idea what I'm saying anymore. I suppose it's time to stop.
That dress, is gorgeous. I will so want to see a pic of you in it. It's beautiful!
ReplyDeleteOh, please don't think of yourself as damaged goods! You make me so sad reading that. You will get your chance when the time is right for you. Maybe you need to "find" yourself first before you can find the right man!
Sensitive? That is a great attribute to have. You will probably always be that way, I think that is what makes a more loving and caring person. If you are too thick skinned or hard, it's hard to care about things. But it's always great to have a middle ground, just not easy.
Oh and I so want to go see that movie. My son gave me a free pass(he works at a theater) so i think I might go see that this Friday morning.
Ahh sorry it took so long...I don't check as often as I should. Thanks for the awesome comments! :) You'll definitely have to tell me about the movie. I've been sick, so I haven't been able to get to see it. Hopefully tomorrow :)
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