Carve Your Heart Out Yourself

Carve your heart out yourself. Hopelessness is your cell. Since you've drawn out these lines, are you protected from trying times? Man, it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has. Lord, it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all. Oh look now, there you go with hope again. Oh you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end.

Dig your ditch deep enough to keep you clear of the sun. You've been burned more than once. You don't think much of trust. Man, it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has. Lord, it takes a lonely one to wish she had never dreamt at all. Oh Look now, there you go with hope again, but I'll be sure your secrets safe with me. Oh you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end. Treating me like I'm already gone, but I'm not, I will stay where you are always.

Dashboard Confessional - Carve Your Heart Out Yourself

I don't know what's going on with me lately. I've been having panic attacks a lot more often lately, and wasn't able to sleep for almost 2 full days. This usually happens when my depression gets out of control, but it doesn't make me feel any better about it. I've started to fall into the routine I usually do when I take a downturn. I sleep during the day and spend the night on the computer. I don't want any human interaction other than through instant messages or the like. How do you stop yourself from falling down that huge hole you just just inched out of with the tips of your nails? Honestly...I wouldn't wish this shit on my worst enemy. It's hard...it's confusing...and of course it hurts...I think that's pretty much assumed from the beginning.

Something tonight got me thinking. Why does it bother me so much when people either call me crazy or imply something of the sort? I know it shouldn't bother me - God knows I've been called it enough - but it does. I think it's because I try so hard to keep myself from being "crazy" that if someone says I am it's like taking a bullet. I've spent the past 10 years fighting for my sanity...for someone to tell me I don't have it is devastating. Mostly I think it's because it angers me that there still is that stigma on mental illness. Even if whoever said it was joking, it offends me to no end...you are not crazy if you have a mental illness. Are cancer patients whining babies? No.

I used to frequent a Christian chat room for a while. I would go in there to debate and hear other people's views, etc. I remember once when I went in very depressed. I started talking to some in the chat about my illness, how I felt and such. I was asked if I was saved. I explained my views and that yes, I was saved. Someone in the room started telling me that it was not possible for me to be saved. He argued that since I did not have complete rationality in my mind, it was not possible for myself to be forgiven and that anyone else with a mental illness was in the same boat. I can't even begin to explain how much it hurts to see people that are so clueless as to what it's like for someone like me. I feel like I might be playing "woe is me" a lot of the time, but am I? I have to fight to get out of bed every morning. I can't describe what it's like. Most days it takes ALL my energy to just rationalize every thought that runs through my head. Forget anything else...I'm too damn tired. It's not like I don't want to get out of bed and go to work...it's almost physically impossible.

I'm rambling...I apologize. Sometimes I wonder if this blog really was a good idea. I just sit here and type about all this bullshit, but wonder if I should rather be doing something else. I always wonder if I could try harder than I do. I don't think I could...but that doubt plagues me. Am I just wallowing? I wish SOMEONE had the answer to that. But if they did, would I believe it? Am I too far gone in feeling sorry for myself to think that there is hope? I don't know...I guess only time will tell, right?